


The Matter With Kansas

by primeideal



Category: It Was a Dark and Stormy Night - Snoopy (fictional novel)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-07
Updated: 2014-03-07
Packaged: 2018-01-14 21:33:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1279648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/primeideal/pseuds/primeideal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maturity, maidhood, and mutiny!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Matter With Kansas

**Author's Note:**

  * For [storm_queen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/storm_queen/gifts).



On board the pirate ship, the buccaneers were restless.

“How could she have gotten away?” one asked. “We're so far from land!”

“Maybe she's a good swimmer.”

“She's a maid! Where would she have learned to swim?”

“How should I know? She might have a life outside of work.”

“Stow that talk, mateys,” said another grizzled seafarer. “The real question is, what happens when the captain finds out she's escaped, savvy? I don't want to stick around for the likes of that.”

“Oh, and what're you going to do, 'matey'?” the first pirate burped. “Escape after her? Pretend you're roundin' her up? That'll be real convincin', arr.”

“Who cares about the old captain, anyway? He's so drunk by the time he tries navigatin', he couldn't capture her again even if he tried.”

“What're you sayin'?” The pirate eyed his cutlass.

“I'm sayin' we've lost track of our vision, mateys! Our scope! Whateverrr happened to outgunnin' privateers? Those lackeys on commission for the king? Millions of people are starrrrvin', and he lives in luxurrry! And all our captain can do about it is kidnap some maid, at the bottom of the socioeconomic hierrrrarrrchy, separrrate her from her family? What's that serve, mates? I won't stand for it any longer!”

“So yer a traitorrr?”

“It's mutiny, me boys, mutiny or death!”

“It'll be and rather than or, technically,” stammered the cabin boy.

“Avast, don't be so downhearrrted! We'll have the captain walk the plank, and be on our merrry way!”

“Do we have to have him walk the plank?”

“Well if he'd rather sprrrrint, it's not my place to judge.”

“But—er—how does that make us any less tyrrrranical than the king? We could...keep him around, maybe. To go in the crrrow's nest?”

“Are you afeared of a bit of honest laborrr?”

“No,” said the cabin boy, “but I am afrrrraid of heights.”

“Well, then,” said the chief mutineer. “I suppose we can rreconsiderr. But first, let's find the captain, me buckos!”

* * *

Having survived seasickness and storms out on the ocean, the maid was so relieved to be back on dry land that no amount of snow could faze her. She hustled through the drifting flakes, ignoring the murmurings of the crowd around her. Then, suddenly, someone called, “Excuse me? Hello?”

“I'm very busy,” she called back, “pardon me.”

“Would you like to buy a violet?”

“A violet? No, I would—”

“They're going cheap!”

“In this weather? Why on earth would you hoard away flowers at a time like this, they'll be dead in a week.”

“So you should buy now!”

“You poor dear,” said the maid, at last taking in the insistent salesgirl's tattered shawl. “Is this really the best way for you to make a living? Don't you have anything better to wear?”

“I don't—Mom?”

The maid froze. Then, recognizing her daughter, she swooped down to hug the girl, who fidgeted in her tight embrace. “Oof—let me out!”

“What's become of you? Is this all you have left to wear?”

“I'm doing fine, thank you very much!”

“I survived pirates, made my way across the ocean just to find you—”

“Well, maybe I don't need you! I can take care of myself!”

“Hardly! Look at your ridiculous flowers! No one wants to buy those!”

“I was doing just fine before _you_ walked back into my life?”

“Oh? Who do you have providing for you, then? Some flatterer?”

“I just told you, I can fend for myself!”

“Not one word, miss, let's get you out of the cold—”

“Leave me alone!”

But ignoring her daughter's protestations, the maid hustled the girl through the snowy streets.

* * *

The mysterious patient in room 213 rolled across the lobby, hesitating in front of the door.

That wasn't really how it went, of course. She was in the lobby, so she was no longer in room 213. She was checking out of the hospital, so she was no longer a patient. And, if the intern's suspicions were correct, and she really was the sister of the boy from Kansas...well, she was no longer much of a mystery.

All the same, she turned back, smiling at the intern. “Thanks for everything. You've been really great.”

“It was nothing,” he blushed. “Good luck with the rest of the recovery.”

“Mmhmm. How much longer do you have left in your residency?”

“A couple months.”

“Cool. You're really proficient already, of course, we can tell. You'll make a great doctor.”

“Thanks. Er. If I stick with medicine.”

“Is everything going all right? Not that you shouldn't follow your heart, of course, but...”

“No, I'm not sure. It's just, I don't know whether I can make a big enough impact, here. Trying to help people, one at a time, is good, but I might not be cut out for it. I can get—distracted—by little things, lose sight of the big picture.”

“Distracted. Really?”

“In principle.”

“If that's what you call a distraction—stick with medicine,” she broke off. “You'll do the field good.” And with that, she'd pushed her way through the doors, wheeling off down the block.

The intern hesitated, as the door slowly swung shut. He weighed, in the balance, everything he'd learned.

Then he flung the door open again. “Come back!” he called. “I want to talk. Some more,” he added, as the door began to close once more. He wouldn't run after her, wouldn't leave the hospital when he was still supposed to be on shift.

But he would call.

At the edge of the sidewalk, she turned, wheeling her way back and giving him a little smile as he stepped forward, holding the door open for her once again.

“You remind me of my brother,” she finally said, once she was back in the lobby.

“That's...nice,” said the intern. It wasn't what he'd been hoping to hear, per se. But he hadn't gotten his hopes up.

“I haven't seen him in months. You sort of forget, how much people can change—and stay the same. You know?”

“I...yeah. Kind of.”

“He's sweet. You'd like him, if you met. Sorry, I'm being forward, but—”

“Can we get coffee sometime?” he blurted. “Or whatever you like to drink. My shifts are ridiculous, I prefer coffee, but whatever suits you—”

“Oh, _now_ you learn how to deal with distractions.”

_Besides privately researching their brothers_ , the intern thought, but kept it to himself. “I'm a slow learner. Sorry. But if you give me time, you might like my learning curve.”

“Is everything all right?” asked a nurse. “Are you all checked out?”

“I'm clear with the receptionist,” said the newly-ex-patient, “I'm not sure if he's finished checking _me_ out.”

The intern's jaw dropped, and he finally stammered, “I should get back to work.”

The patient nodded. “Call me. You have my number?”

“And a bunch of other vital stats,” said the intern.

“That'll do,” she said. “See you soon.”

For the second time, she wheeled her way through the City Hospital doors; that time around, sporting a furtive grin. The snow had piled up, but the sun was coming out.

* * *

 

Hoping to flee as far from the pirates as possible, the maid had brought her daughter to someplace suitably landlocked. This turned out to be the geographic center of the contiguous United States, in Lebanon, Kansas. The maid was attempting to return to her career in housecleaning, which involved long hours and frequent travel beyond the town of several hundred, but she was adamant that her daughter was too young to join the workforce. Despite her protestations, the girl had gone back to school.

But one day, she came back from school wearing a frayed bandana to match her tattered shawl. “Where'd you get that?” her mother asked.

“What's it to you?”

“It's brand new and it's falling apart already, let me mend it at least.”

“No, you must be exhausted, what time did you get up?”

“Never mind that, let me see this ridiculous costume of yours.”

“They're trendy these days! But I wouldn't expect your generation to know that.”

“You kids and your absurd headwear.”

“Every time you try to shop for me you wind up looking for stuff you can't afford, I'll get clothes where I want.”

“Well, you refuse to listen to me, and go out in that tattered shawl of yours, it's shameful—”

“I love it, Mom, I always have, it's just you who don't like it, but it's _cool_.”

“You're not answering the question. Do you have a side job?”

“No! It's not like you'd let me out from under your thumb, anyway.”

“Then where'd you find the money for that bandana?”

“I didn't buy it.”

“You _stole_ it? Have the lessons of a pirate abduction taught you nothing?”

“Mom, I didn't steal the bandana, okay?”

“Then where'd you get it?”

“Don't freak out.”

“I'm listening.”

“Myboyfriendgotitforme.”

“You. _What_? How long has _this_ been going on?”

“Weeks—months, he's had a thing for me for a while, I guess, but circumstances didn't work out. Once we were able to get together, yeah, we've been keeping it under wraps. I knew you'd take this the wrong way.”

“Is there a right way to take it? You've been sneaking around behind my back, how am I supposed to react?”

“You could—ask to meet him, see if you like him or not.”

“Already?”

“He's been trying to get me to meet his family for the last couple days, he wants to meet you too. I've felt so awkward about it, I keep putting it off. So you should come join us.”

“And if I disapprove, are you going to do anything about it?”

“No.”

“Then why should I bother to meet him? Sweeps you off your feet, buys you clothes, and you won't listen to a word I say. It's not worth it.”

“I'll give the bandana back.”

“What?”

“I'll make him take it back, if you don't like him—I'll make him promise not to get clothes for me anymore, I'm fine with my shawl.”

“Why would you do that?”

“I want you to take him seriously. Please, just give us a chance.”

The maid paused. “All right,” she finally said. “Let's meet this farmboy of yours.”

The girl lit up. “Thank you so much! You don't understand how much this means to me!”

So it several days later, the maid and her daughter descended upon the farmhouse where the boy lived. His sister and her new boyfriend had been there, too, exploring the farm. “The animals look so weak!” the boyfriend noted. “Do you have to nurse them back to health?”

“Sometimes,” said the boy. “Er—hello?”

“This is my mom,” the girl in the shawl interrupted. “She's really—uh—I mean, I'm so glad this worked out.”

“Right, let me show you around,” he waved. “This is where I milk the cows and feed the goats in the morning, before walking to school.”

“All by yourself?” the maid asked.

“Mmhmm. I have to get up pretty early, so we don't stay out too late at night.”

“Good for you.”

“Before I moved out,” his sister added, “I used to feed the goats after school. Do you still do that?”

“Of course,” said her brother. “You can pet them, if you'd like!”

“Cool!” said the boyfriend. “They're so thin, you don't milk them, do you?”

“Well, not this one, it's a billy-goat. But no, not these.”

“Aww,” said the sister, reaching out to pet a goat that was prancing away, “it's forgotten me, it's been too long.”

“It'll warm up, give it time,” said her brother.

“Do you have any crops on the farm?” the maid asked.

“Oh, yeah! Sometimes I get to drive out and look after them—I don't have my license yet, technically, but I'm allowed to drive because they need me on the farm. Even to school!”

“Personally, I'm glad I moved out to the city,” his sister laughed. “Public transportation is my favorite way to get around, and I can read on the bus.

“I have to say,” the maid said, “you seem very mature.”

The brother shrugged. “I've grown up, I guess.”

“You have,” said his sister, “now that you're the big kid in the house? You've learned a lot about running the farm.”

“Well, all right,” said the maid. “You have my blessing.”

“Thank you so much!” the girl squealed, rising to her tiptoes to kiss the farmboy. Grinning, the recently-graduated intern knelt down to kiss his girlfriend, too.

“The blessing wasn't for us,” she pointed out.

“I know. But I thought I'd celebrate anyway.”

She smiled. “Mature, yes. A stuffy adult, never.”

* * *

 

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the pirate captain had acceded to the demands of the mutineers, in an effort to preserve his life. After the debacle of the maid's escape, he had little choice but to defer to the grizzled leader of the uprising.

What was more unexpected was that, even after the initial threat had died down, he accepted his new position without complaint. “Ye scallywags do have a point,” he said. “I miss the old days of puttin' a scare into the king's navy. If he's abusin' his station, why, it's our duty as corrrsairrrs to show him what for!”

“You don't mind the crow's nest?” the cabin boy gaped.

“I hate it. I'm as afearrred of heights as you. But it was a bit unjust forrr me to orrderr you up therrre, I'm comin' to realize. Until I find anotherrr way to make the worrrld a betterrr place, I'll take the lookout. Like it orrr not.”

So, with his reluctant navigation, the pirates made landfall, their Jolly Roger flagrantly announcing their arrival. And, surprised by their brazen approach, the king himself came out to meet them.

“It's overrr, you landlubbin' bilge!” the chief mutineer announced. “Start sharin' yer plunder and booty with all the starvin' crowd, or ye'll walk the plank!”

“I'll walk no such plank, you putrescent pirates! Be off with you!”

“It'll be off with your head soon enough!” the cabin boy jeered.

“The guard will be here to round you up, in moments. You're all deluded.”

“It's you who's gone mad,” said the leader. “What'll it be? Feedin' the crowds, or feedin' the fishes?”

“Even if I was compelled to listen to you, are you so naïve as to think I could provide food for everyone, at the drop of a crown? I'm just one man! Where would I find it?”

“There,” called the captain, from up in the crow's nest.

“What?” said the king.

“Over there!” The captain pointed into the distance.

“I can't hear you.”

“Stampede!” yelled the captain, and forty thousand head of cattle thundered down on the pirate ship. At that moment, the guard showed up, and unsure what to do, began rounding up the cows.

“Now,” said the chief pirate, “milk these nourrrishin' cattle, hire a qualified farrrmerrr for the brrreedin', and we can feed our society more equitably from now into perrrpetutity. Ye savvy?”

“Oh,” the king sighed, “I suppose.”

“As for you,” said the pirate, “thanks for the warrrnin', I suppose. Reckon ye've earned another chance at life.”

“Don't need to tell me twice,” said the captain, scurrying down from the crow's nest. “But where do I go?”

“I hear the city hospital is looking for qualified interns,” said the king, “if you fancy the healing arts.”

“Sounds like a plan,” said the captain.

And so, the night was saved.


End file.
